Diary Of A Gay Black Man Vol. 2 ~ Curiosity~

Diary of a Gay Black Man
Vol. 2

“Curiosity”

Although I believe homosexuality is something you’re born with, in my childhood years I really never thought of men sexually. It wasn’t until my puberty years that I began to wonder about the adult man body. I always used the excuse to myself that I was just curious about how “big” I was going to get. In time It turned into a fascination that eventually turned into a forbidden lust to be with another man. I hear tons of stories from guys of how they explored with buddies as children so it makes me wonder how normal that actually was. When does the physical lust turn into the emotional feeling for one of the same sex?
I’ve have many discussions about this lately but I’ve defined homosexually or any sexually as the emotional attraction you have for someone. Because quite frankly, I can still physically bang a chick and I have in the past, but it ended with no emotional attachment. Definitely not the same feeling that I had being with a man I really liked. And ladies please don’t take offense to that because I assure you it’s nothing you did wrong because I do believe the female body is one the greatest creations.
Curiosity is a human trait, something we all naturally have inside of us. Some of us have a stronger desire to act on it or even want to act on it. My view of the world has always been that life is short and there’s no other way to really find out about you than to explore and experience the unknown. And eventually I took that step at the age of twenty-five. The curiosity became so strong that I just had to know if I was a gay man or just a man who would screw anything with feet. Now my first time with a guy wasn’t good at all, but I knew that was just the guy I was with. He had no clue what he was doing so from that experience and knowing that I wanted more, I realized my sexuality.
But I still had denial. I felt I was too masculine to be gay from what I saw out there. I still was very reluctant to step in the gay bars downtown. Gay men simply freaked me the hell out because of what I was exposed to growing up and what I saw through the media. Gay meant AIDS, Gay meant dressing as a woman, Gay meant getting your ass kicked and Gay was not something I wanted to be. But finding others like me and discovering that there were tons of people who felt Gay was cool and supported it made me more comfortable exploring this curiosity.
Yet I did continue to live life on the down low. I wasn’t afraid of what people thought of me because I’m a very self depended person and if someone can’t accept my package then they are not worth having. I just believed that it wasn’t worth the stress of bringing attention to me. For example, as a black man why would I choose to go in a KKK neighborhood in the Deep South preaching “Black power”? There are just situations you stay away from. Where I live is definitely not as severe, but if I know walking down the street holding hands with another man Is going to bring attention and stares, it’s just not the attention I’m looking for. I know there are other gay men who would strongly disagree with that, but we are all have our different comforts in life and we should be respected which way we want to approach them. All in all I’m happy with where my curiosity has brought me, I’m established, building a muscular body, growing with my writing and have tons of you guys who are impressed with me. And I wouldn’t be who I am if I was still hidden deep in the closet. So if anyone out there is going through any curiosity or struggling with who you are, I’m here to talk to. Just remember, there’s nothing wrong with curiosity, it helps build who your meant to be.

STILL A MAN

I, too, reflect the image of a man
My love may be seen as a sin,
but my heart still bleeds a proud beat
when I walk down judgment’s street.

I will face every stare
That thinks I’m weak
Because of the passion
From another man I seek.

And every word voiced against me
will be inhaled with integrity
as I wander through populations of disapproval.
For opinions can’t tear me down
cause me pain or make me frown.

Years from now
I’ll still walk that street;
Contentment pounding from the bossom
of this battle tested chest
challenged but never conquered.
I will not be looked upon
with disgrace,
for I am still a man.

Tarringo T Vaughan
©2008

Tied Up

One of challenges of being a gay man losing control of who we are and what we want in life. Sometimes we get caught up in the images and horniness that we can easily loose focus and find ourself with...our hands tied and unable to grasp who we are.

Diary Of A Gay Black Man Vol. 1

ACCEPTANCE

I guess I wouldn't be classified as the typical gay male. I don't talk, walk or behave feminine or even have the "look". My dreams once consisted of meeting the perfect girl have three kids with a dog and the white picket fence. But somewhere in my growth I realized that wasn't really in my heart. That it was society's view of who I had to be. And to be honest, without the internet and the blessings of a few men I was able to meet, I may have lived the proclaimed life full of pretended happiness.
As I became content with who I was, I refused to be what society said I had to be. I often challenged both straight and gay people with my individuality. I'm a man who loves sports, grabbing my crotch and even spit once in awhile. I have a natural masculinity in my appearance and demeanor which often makes both sides of the fence question me. One guy at a straight club recently came up to me and asked "how can you be gay?" I glanced at this man who was full of testosterone and said "can't help how I was born". He didn't judge me nor did he change the way he acted towards me, instead he became touchier and very flirtatious. You wouldn't even imagine how many of those experiences I've had with straight men. Maybe the world is becoming more open minded or just less homophobic or maybe there's just a lot of men living the life I thought I had to live to make everyone else happy.
For any other gay men out there, you know the answer to that. I personally don't believe anyone should be afraid to be who they are. Because honestly I was afraid at first, but as time went on and the more terrific, accepting human beings I've met made me show the world a perfect example of another kind of gay man. No boa's around my neck, no platform shoes or switch in my walk but just a man who happened to love other men. I love my females too! In fact I've had the normal young boy crushes growing up but I realized I had those crushes because I wanted to have them and they weren't natural feelings. While I wanted to be with a girl named Tanisha, I was secretly craving a boy named Eric for example.
All I ask from anyone, no matter what your views are is just to see me as who I am first and know this is not my choice, but my given path which is hard enough for me to follow without potholes in the road making it worse. And I realize it’s the acceptance in myself that will make others accept the person who is me.