Vol. 4 A Wrong Turn In Northampton

They all seemed so strange.







Northampton, Massachusetts wasn’t a place I’ve ever heard of before until I went to college in a nearby small town of Amherst. It was close to where I lived but yet so far away as far as atmosphere goes. My first travels to this town had me looking around at all the difference and feel a fear; a fear that I was a part of that difference and at that time in my life I wasn’t ready to embrace it or even acknowledge it. There were tree huggers and Goths, friendly musicians on sidewalk curbs translating the music of life and there were men holding hands with other men and woman embracing the open arms of other women and all I could tell myself was that I wasn’t ready for that kind of exposure. But college life did change me as far as opening a mind that was stuck in its own ways. I was around people of many views and backgrounds and people on the voyage of exploration. The overall experience helped me realize there was something inside of me needing to get out.


And I went through five years of college developing friendships and emotional bonds that began to confuse me. I started to wonder why I had the type of closeness to male figures that seemed a little too close. I developed jealousies that I couldn’t control because I was experiencing crushes on these other male figures that held me in a shame and ultimately shaped me into pretending to be someone I thought I was. And what really triggered this inner conflict I started to have was the way I had to force those same feelings to the opposite gender. There were girls I had much in common with until it came to any hint of physical contact which resulted in an instant injection of discomfort. The confusion turned into a curiosity which started to turn into real feelings and I couldn’t fight any longer. It was time to pay attention to what my heart was telling me.


One weekend afternoon I decided to go home for the day. I took a bus to Northampton and waited for a connecting bus that would take me to the next town before getting back home. I always felt awkward there and with this strong feelings swirling around within me, I felt like I was in a place that was going to expose me to the world. There were more people parading around town than usual. Rainbow flags hung in the front of storefronts and people lined the street. I wasn’t quite sure as to what was going on but I remember telling myself not to make eye contact. There was an extra laugher in the air as smiles shined and a sense of love seemed to orbit around everyone within the organized crowds. And then as I sat at the bus stop I started to hear the music and the crowd cheer. Hands were waving and more rainbow flags were gently massaging the air. People were hanging out of high rise apartment windows and a symphony of voices collided with echoes of “happy pride”. Back then I didn’t know what it was all about but I knew it was a filled with homosexuality and I watched without trying to be interested. But I was and they didn’t all seem so strange anymore as it became obvious to me that I took a wrong turn into something right. It was all about pride and at that moment I knew I could no longer hide.



© 2010


Tarringo T. Vaughan

Diary Of A Gay Black Man Vol. 2 ~ Curiosity~

Diary of a Gay Black Man
Vol. 2

“Curiosity”

Although I believe homosexuality is something you’re born with, in my childhood years I really never thought of men sexually. It wasn’t until my puberty years that I began to wonder about the adult man body. I always used the excuse to myself that I was just curious about how “big” I was going to get. In time It turned into a fascination that eventually turned into a forbidden lust to be with another man. I hear tons of stories from guys of how they explored with buddies as children so it makes me wonder how normal that actually was. When does the physical lust turn into the emotional feeling for one of the same sex?
I’ve have many discussions about this lately but I’ve defined homosexually or any sexually as the emotional attraction you have for someone. Because quite frankly, I can still physically bang a chick and I have in the past, but it ended with no emotional attachment. Definitely not the same feeling that I had being with a man I really liked. And ladies please don’t take offense to that because I assure you it’s nothing you did wrong because I do believe the female body is one the greatest creations.
Curiosity is a human trait, something we all naturally have inside of us. Some of us have a stronger desire to act on it or even want to act on it. My view of the world has always been that life is short and there’s no other way to really find out about you than to explore and experience the unknown. And eventually I took that step at the age of twenty-five. The curiosity became so strong that I just had to know if I was a gay man or just a man who would screw anything with feet. Now my first time with a guy wasn’t good at all, but I knew that was just the guy I was with. He had no clue what he was doing so from that experience and knowing that I wanted more, I realized my sexuality.
But I still had denial. I felt I was too masculine to be gay from what I saw out there. I still was very reluctant to step in the gay bars downtown. Gay men simply freaked me the hell out because of what I was exposed to growing up and what I saw through the media. Gay meant AIDS, Gay meant dressing as a woman, Gay meant getting your ass kicked and Gay was not something I wanted to be. But finding others like me and discovering that there were tons of people who felt Gay was cool and supported it made me more comfortable exploring this curiosity.
Yet I did continue to live life on the down low. I wasn’t afraid of what people thought of me because I’m a very self depended person and if someone can’t accept my package then they are not worth having. I just believed that it wasn’t worth the stress of bringing attention to me. For example, as a black man why would I choose to go in a KKK neighborhood in the Deep South preaching “Black power”? There are just situations you stay away from. Where I live is definitely not as severe, but if I know walking down the street holding hands with another man Is going to bring attention and stares, it’s just not the attention I’m looking for. I know there are other gay men who would strongly disagree with that, but we are all have our different comforts in life and we should be respected which way we want to approach them. All in all I’m happy with where my curiosity has brought me, I’m established, building a muscular body, growing with my writing and have tons of you guys who are impressed with me. And I wouldn’t be who I am if I was still hidden deep in the closet. So if anyone out there is going through any curiosity or struggling with who you are, I’m here to talk to. Just remember, there’s nothing wrong with curiosity, it helps build who your meant to be.

STILL A MAN

I, too, reflect the image of a man
My love may be seen as a sin,
but my heart still bleeds a proud beat
when I walk down judgment’s street.

I will face every stare
That thinks I’m weak
Because of the passion
From another man I seek.

And every word voiced against me
will be inhaled with integrity
as I wander through populations of disapproval.
For opinions can’t tear me down
cause me pain or make me frown.

Years from now
I’ll still walk that street;
Contentment pounding from the bossom
of this battle tested chest
challenged but never conquered.
I will not be looked upon
with disgrace,
for I am still a man.

Tarringo T Vaughan
©2008