he said “I’ll Call you”.
As I turned over in my queen size bed partially covered with the scent of him, I knew that call would not come. I can still hear the echo of his footsteps followed by the creak in the door swing shut all these years later.
And why?
Because I felt like a god damn fool, an idiot, a used piece of chewing gum spit out for a new flavor. I thought his smooth words and attractive eyes were sincere; I thought the way he touched me was for me and not just to get me. He said the right things, made all the right moves, even pretended to listen to my heart. But you see, he was a playa in a game that I never read the instructions to. All these years later I now realize how easy it should’ve all been to figure out.
Shit.
I was a piece of ass and it didn’t feel good when you didn’t sign up for a one night stand. I’m not even going to say it’s a gay thing or man thing because I’m sure we’ve all experienced it. It was all about that sex that night. He called me and politely asked me to dinner. We met, caught a movie and I cringed as his hand touched mine because I wasn’t use to the affection in public. But at the same time I melted because it was a moment I wanted.
The movie ended and there we were back at my place. I was shy and he made me feel comfortable with just his smile. A kiss led to more and although in my head I knew it wasn’t smart to go further, my body did the talking that night. And you know what? I thought the night would lead to many even though deep inside I felt I was probably one of many that he romanced and seduced and left laying in a half made bed of sweat.
And I turned out to be right. He was the first that I experienced that within the gay world and he sure wasn’t the last. You really can’t see it coming no matter how much you shield yourself. But I’ve learned that if it’s going to be just about sex, then I will get mine too. The gay world is lonely enough without being left behind.
“Tee, Is that you”, he said years later in a dark club.
I looked and said “Yes”. He looked at the muscles on my body and the new confidence I had and said “You look great”. I nodded and walked past. He tried the rest of the night to get my attention. But I pretended not to notice and ignored him like he ignored my heart. A friend asked me who he was and as he walked behind me, I said in a loud voice.
“Oh just some guy who was lousy in bed, it was just about the sex”.
I adore it, as if you are talking about me.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. But you didn't have to be so catty at the end. That's the way the gay world goes. Sometimes you play. Sometimes you get played. But stay positive. You have to wade through a lot of shit in the gay world to find diamonds.
ReplyDeleteImmanuel
dlconfessionssequel.wordpress.com
Wow! As I'm reading I'm thinking "this is me". From the first touch in a public setting, to the feeling of being used and played. I particularly love the part when you said "the gay world is lonely enough without being left behind." It took me a very long time to admit to others and even accept for myself that I was gay. My entire life I felt alone, even when I surrounded myself with friends and family the loneliness was sometimes too much to bear. And it seems like I'm the only gay man who is TRULY looking for a monogamous relationship. Many say it, but their actions prove otherwise. I feel like I'm destined to be alone and on my own for the rest of my life. I'm an attractive and educated gay black man, and I have no problem turning heads, but I want more than just sex. I want someone to share my life with, not just my body. Its bad enough that half of the world thinks we're worthless, second-class citizens, why must we continue to throw our morals and self-worth out the window by jumping from bed to bed with whoever will give us a second glance, with no real thought for true intimacy? Wouldn't it be nice to have a partner to continue on this journey of life...or am I alone with this as well?
ReplyDeleteWow! I find it very amusing that we all or let me say most of us have the same/similar experiences. Here I am glued to my phone as I'm reading this, if I did n't know better I'd swear you talking about me.
ReplyDeleteTee please continue blogging man, I'm enjoying this.
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